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  • Anto Astudillo

Where is the line with you?

Today I woke up thinking about my femininity. Will I completely lose it? What happens to my lesbian lover if I do?

I realized this immense sadness covered me when I couldn't sing Björk's songs anymore. There was something chilling about being able to reach that high as she does. I used to have a crisp voice. It wasn't the best voice and certainly it didn't lead me to any major record release, but it allowed me to release internal pains in the same way that Björk releases hers.

As I am transitioning, I've been noticing changes. But only two weeks ago my voice really dropped. I can only go up via falsetto. And a falsetto does not feel like that crisp voice a I used to have. There is no way back. I am moving forward and away from being able to sing the Björk version of "Where is the line" and now I will have to sing the darker deeper voices in the background. As my partner was able to hit the notes in a cold night of March, I got the same chills I used to when singing them myself and I realized that femininity is something I've been in love with since I was a child. Something that I have touched with the tip of my fingers while my humanity floats pulled by the universe as a celestial body. I am tracing a line, a capsule around femininity, and as I do, more and more pulled by the darkness of antimatter, more and more I fall in love with the woman I never was. I love her precisely because she is not me, but she is my lover.

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